Playing it safe

Whenever my wife and I go shopping, I make sure to take my cell phone, in case we get separated.  And the deed to the condo, in case we get divorced.

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Exactly what part of quazosllabukcole do you not understand?!

"Oh, he's another one."

I watched an interview with David Chase, the creator of THE SOPRANOS.  He mentioned that when growing up in his Italian-American household, if the name of a particularly odd or strange relative or neighbor was mentioned, the typical response was, “Oh, he’s another one.”

I love that.  I’ll have to start using it.  So if someone says to me, “Joe Citro,” I’ll answer, “Oh, he’s another one.”

A Personality Questionnaire

A Personality Questionnaire

What three words best describe you?

Nouns, pronouns, adjectives

What is your life’s motto?

“Dig safe” and “Beware of ticks”

If you could live your life over, what would you do differently?

Use less face glitter

When life knocks you down, what do you do?

Get back up, unless it’s Mike Tyson

If you could rearrange the alphabet, what letters would you put first?

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If you could rearrange the numbers, which ones would you put first?

I would do it alphabetically, so that it made more sense: Eight, Five, Four, Nine, etc.

Tattoos?

0, but some fairly sexy liver spots

Piercings?

My voice, my laugh, my comments during romantic movies

Marriages?

Performed 2 as a bogus Justice of the Peace

Divorces?

0, staying together just to annoy the kids

Children?

Annoyed

Surgeries?

2 splinter removals, 1 self-administered appendectomy

Shot a gun?

Never during the commission of a felony

Quit a job?

Was told I had never worked there

Flown on a plane?

Yes, left wing, until asked to come inside by the stewardess

100+miles in a car?

            Speed or length of trip?

Hit a deer?

Once kicked a buck in his shin

Gone zip lining?

 No, but usually remember to zip up my trousers

Cried over someone?

Often (am a Knicks fan)




Fell in love?

Desperately, delusionally, with Chickiesinatra Lulamusic (see THE BIG BIG LULU BOOK)

Skipped school?

Only after I became a teacher

Watched someone give birth?

Was present at my daughter’s birth, while continuing to eat spaghetti out of a Styrofoam container

Watched someone die?

No, but watched a grown man get his feelings hurt

Been to Canada?

Yes, led to Pierre Trudeau suggesting they build a wall

Ridden in an ambulance?

Yes, but asked to be dropped off at a delicatessen 




Been to Hawaii?

Dined there with Emilia Earhart, but she disappeared when the check came

Been to Europe?

Asked to leave after pronouncing it, “Yurp.” 


Been to Washington D.C.?

Does that place still exist?

Visited Florida?

Yes, I have visited the “flaccid penis of our nation.”

Visited Mexico?

Inspired Santa Anna to attack the Alamo

Visited Las Vegas?

Banned from most casinos for getting my sleeve caught in the roulette wheel

Sang karaoke?

Scat-sang Brahms’s complete 3rd Concerto before being escorted from the premises

Had a pet?

You mean a living one?

Been sledding on big hill?

No, but once stumbled into Kim Kardashian from behind

Been downhill skiing?

Oh, so you’re supposed to aim the skis DOWN the hill?

Rode on a motorcycle?

Vice President, Hell’s Angels Motorcycle Club (Vespa Division)

Rode a horse?

Only known case of the horse getting saddle sore

Stayed in a hospital?

Couldn’t find parking, so became a Christian Scientist

Donated blood?

Does a bloody stool count?

Driven a stick shift?

Yes, but felt that using the clutch was for pussies

Rode in the back of a police car?

Yes, as an Air Force Military Policeman, with no on in the front seat