In honor of the passing of Manuel Noriega (from MURKA: A VARIANT HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES):
Noriega and the Invasion of Panama
Noriega and the Invasion of Panama
Although most students of the United States’ naked aggression feel Woodrow Wilson’s record (see chapter on Wilson’s lunacy) for invading Western Hemispheric countries is one that will never be broken, on a previously peaceful December day in 1989, President Bush One took a shot with a campaign to depose our former ally and the longtime Noriega CIA operative, Manuel Antonio Noriega Moreno (whose name is pronounced in Spanish as: ROW-lee ma-GWIN, in honor of his maternal godfather, a Tulsa grocer named Rollie McGwyn).
For years Noriega had been this county’s go-to guy when it came to gathering intelligence information, securing illicit weapons (read “sex toys”), accumulating military secrets along with piles and piles of blood-soaked and soil-stained cash, and best of all, high quality cocaine which had been laced with delicate smudges of heroine.
Why the relationship between our pockmarked nation and this pimply-faced potentate suddenly soured is still up for conjecture. Some historians say it was brought about by Noriega supplying tons of toxic heroine to our drug-loving culture, leading to countless cases of death and delirium, while also supplying literary icon Ernest Hemingway with a toxic recipe for fajitas, leading to nocturnal discomfort, distress, and also some delirium toward the end (that is, the end of his life, and also towards the end of that particular night—see chapter on Hemingway).
Other historians attribute the falling out to our repulsion over Noriega’s scarred facial complexion, which had worsened over the years to such a Clearasil-resistant state that locals would refer to him as “Pineapple Face” behind his back, and “Pineapple Back” behind his face.
His moonscape-like facial features made photo ops with visiting heads of state counterproductive at best. Also, rumors were beginning to spread that Noriega was cutting his powdered drug exports with musk-ox oil, a substance which was known to wreak havoc on one’s completion.
Whatever the reason for the animosity, President George Herbert Walker Bush and Noriega found themselves pelting each other with braised lamb chop chunks at a poorly attended state dinner, when one of chops made contact with first lady Barbara Bush’s left ear lobe—the highly seasoned sauce causing paralyzing pain until the White House medical staff administered a soothing salve.
The next day, Panama got invaded.
Military advisors had warned the Pentagon that “Ol’ Pineapple Face” could prove to be quite a clever and worthy opponent. He had been trained in psychological operations (Operation Psyops) and in hand-to-hand, eye-to-eye combat (Operation Cyclops) at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, where he also captained both the dance team and pep club during his senior year.
These dire warnings of Noriega’s military prowess proved to be unfounded. His security forces did not even notice our Marine invasion for three days, as they were too busy cooking the books of a special primary election that was being held in the country that week.
Early results had showed Noriega’s opponent, Arnulfo Arias (the grandfather of sweet-looking boyfriend killer Jodi Arias) was leading by over 56,000 votes. But a Noriega controlled recount determined that Arias had received no votes at all, and that he should therefore be castrated (an operation which might have tangentially saved the future life of Travis Alexander, Jodi’s victim). Instead, Arias was simply badly decapitated and put on a bus for Costa Rica, where he lived out the rest of his life as a bit player in Costa Rican horror movies.
The invasion was an overwhelming defeat for Noriega. Statistics show casualties on the United States side topped out at fifteen sprained limbs, mostly wrists and ankles, and a bruise, along with some venereal diseases, and a small number of head colds. Casualties on the Panamanian side numbered one hundred and fifty military deaths and over five hundred civilian deaths, mostly peasants who had come down to the beach just to see what was going on.
The next day the United Nations General Assembly voted 75-20 that the U.S. invasion was a “flagrant violation of international law.” President Bush rebutted the sanction by stating that his good friend and fellow-dictator Rafael Trujillo had assured him that nobody would mind a little invasion all that much.
In a last ditch effort (political wags have often dubbed the Panama Canal as Noriega’s “last ditch”), with his days in office apparently numbered, Noriega threatened to open all the locks on the Canal, thus allowing the Pacific Ocean to drain into the Atlantic, leading to the U.S. Surfing Championships to eventually be held in Indiana and seaside resorts in San Diego to deal with a fifty-five mile, muddy walk just to get to the water. This threat was never carried out. However Noriega was—carried out, that is—on a stretcher, after hiding out in the Papal Nuncio for awhile, and to be then placed on a military jet (strapped to the left wing) and flown to Miami, Florida, where he faced the following charges:
* Receiving a $4.6 bribe from the Medellin drug cartel in its corporate raid to take over Monsanto;
* Allowing drug smugglers to use Panama as a way station for their drug trafficking, and allowing magazine publishers to use Panama as the headquarters for the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes;
* Setting fire to the left shoe of sleeping Colombian ambassador Eduardo Delissimo while quietly giggling and whispering to underlings, “Hot foot! Hot foot!”;
* Using various strong-armed methods to secure a six-figure endorsement deal with the Dole Corporation to have his smiling picture on each and every supermarket can, the picture being captioned, “Ol’ Pineapple Face Just Loves These Pineapples”;
* Spray-painting over 10,000 “hits” of the graffiti message: “Manny takes his fanny wherever he wants,” on the walls and locks of the Panama Canal;
* Draining the Canal for a weekend so that he and his friends could hold their own private Soapbox Derby;
* A similar charge, simply substituting “Roller Derby” for “Soapbox Derby”;
* While seeking asylum in Panama’s Papal Nuncio, charged with overloading the Nuncio’s washing machines by cramming four sets of muddy fatigues into one load, all for one quarter, then allegedly also trying to stuff in a throw rug with some nasty wine/heroine stains;
* While holed up at the Nuncio, allegedly running up a $4500 phone bill, mostly based on calls to out-of-country pizza delivery establishments;
* Requiring that every member of the Panamanian military and civil government take out subscriptions to USA Today, in an effort to be named Salesman of the Month;
* Offering a marijuana cigarette to a DEA agent posing as Jane Pauley during a Today Show interview, followed by an offer of “Let’s you-me go get cooked, sweetheart”;
* As a gag, dressing up as a traffic cop, standing at the eastern entrance to the Canal and shouting to the incoming ship captains, “Nope, turn around, go on back, Canal’s closed today”;
* Impersonating a citrus fruit;
* Playing Julio Iglesias albums at a volume level that disturbed the peace of neighbors, and singing along with said albums, while getting the words all wrong in two languages;
* Mocking President Bush by deriding his “sissy” way off lisping the term, “Isthmus of Panama”;
* Demanding that the World Trade Organization pay him thirty cents every time someone put on a Panama hat;
* While surrounded by enemy troops as he enjoyed his sanctuary at the Papal Nuncio, and the enemy was playing raucous disco songs in an effort to smoke him out, Noriega allegedly shouted out requests for tunes he knew they didn’t have in their catalogue, songs like “Itsy, Bitsy Yellow Polka Dot Bikini,” in an effort to confuse and humiliate the enemy;
Noriega was found guilty on all charges, except for “murder in absentia,” when his defense council proved that he had actually been present for the murder.
* Allowing drug smugglers to use Panama as a way station for their drug trafficking, and allowing magazine publishers to use Panama as the headquarters for the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes;
* Setting fire to the left shoe of sleeping Colombian ambassador Eduardo Delissimo while quietly giggling and whispering to underlings, “Hot foot! Hot foot!”;
* Using various strong-armed methods to secure a six-figure endorsement deal with the Dole Corporation to have his smiling picture on each and every supermarket can, the picture being captioned, “Ol’ Pineapple Face Just Loves These Pineapples”;
* Spray-painting over 10,000 “hits” of the graffiti message: “Manny takes his fanny wherever he wants,” on the walls and locks of the Panama Canal;
* Draining the Canal for a weekend so that he and his friends could hold their own private Soapbox Derby;
* A similar charge, simply substituting “Roller Derby” for “Soapbox Derby”;
* While seeking asylum in Panama’s Papal Nuncio, charged with overloading the Nuncio’s washing machines by cramming four sets of muddy fatigues into one load, all for one quarter, then allegedly also trying to stuff in a throw rug with some nasty wine/heroine stains;
* While holed up at the Nuncio, allegedly running up a $4500 phone bill, mostly based on calls to out-of-country pizza delivery establishments;
* Requiring that every member of the Panamanian military and civil government take out subscriptions to USA Today, in an effort to be named Salesman of the Month;
* Offering a marijuana cigarette to a DEA agent posing as Jane Pauley during a Today Show interview, followed by an offer of “Let’s you-me go get cooked, sweetheart”;
* As a gag, dressing up as a traffic cop, standing at the eastern entrance to the Canal and shouting to the incoming ship captains, “Nope, turn around, go on back, Canal’s closed today”;
* Impersonating a citrus fruit;
* Playing Julio Iglesias albums at a volume level that disturbed the peace of neighbors, and singing along with said albums, while getting the words all wrong in two languages;
* Mocking President Bush by deriding his “sissy” way off lisping the term, “Isthmus of Panama”;
* Demanding that the World Trade Organization pay him thirty cents every time someone put on a Panama hat;
* While surrounded by enemy troops as he enjoyed his sanctuary at the Papal Nuncio, and the enemy was playing raucous disco songs in an effort to smoke him out, Noriega allegedly shouted out requests for tunes he knew they didn’t have in their catalogue, songs like “Itsy, Bitsy Yellow Polka Dot Bikini,” in an effort to confuse and humiliate the enemy;
Noriega was found guilty on all charges, except for “murder in absentia,” when his defense council proved that he had actually been present for the murder.
The former strong man was sentenced to forty years in prison, later reduced to thirty years, but alternating, one in, one out. He spent the remainder of his days laundering the uniforms of fellow inmates and laundering money for the world’s superpowers.
The Senate Subcommittee on Terrorism, Narcotics and International Operations was to declare, “The saga of Panama's General Manuel Antonio Noriega represents one of the most serious foreign policy failures for the United States.” Later, under political pressure, the Committee said that it had just been fooling around and didn’t really mean it.
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