Come on, someone, do this with me!
Tattoos......................... 0, but some fairly sexy liver spots
Piercings...................... My voice, my laugh, my comments during romantic movies
Marriages..................... Performed 2 as a bogus Justice of the Peace
Divorces........................ 0, we're staying together just to annoy the kids
Children......................... Annoyed
Surgeries...................... 2 splinter removals, 1 self-administered appendectomy
Shot a gun.................... Never during the commission of a felony
Quit a job....................... Was told I had never worked there
Flown on a plane........... Yes, left wing, until asked to come inside by the stewardess
100+miles in a car......... Speed or length of trip?
Hit a deer........................ Once kicked a buck in his shin
Gone zip lining............... No, but often remember to zip up my trousers
Cried over someone...... Often (am a Knicks fan)
Fell in love..................... Desperately, delusionally, with Chickiesinatra Lulamusic (see THE BIG BIG LULU BOOK)
Skipped school.............. Only after I became a teacher
Watched someone give birth… Was present at my daughter’s birth, while continuing to eat spaghetti out of a Styrofoam container
Watched someone die… No, but watched a grown man get his feelings hurt
Been to Canada........... Yes, led to Pierre Trudeau suggesting they build a wall
Ridden in an ambulance...Yes, but asked to be dropped off at a delicatessen
Been to Hawaii?............. Dined there with Amelia Earhart, but she disappeared when the check came
Been to Europe............... Asked to leave after pronouncing it, “Yurp.”
Been to Washington D.C.... Does that place still exist?
Visited Florida................. Yes, I have visited the “flaccid penis of our nation.”
Visited Mexico.............. Inspired Santa Anna to attack the Alamo
Visited Las Vegas....... Banned from most casinos for getting my sleeve caught in the roulette wheel
Sang karaoke.............. Scat-sang Brahms’s complete 3rd Concerto before being escorted from the premises
Had a pet(s)................ A living one?
Been sledding on big hill....... No, but once stumbled into Kim Kardashian from behind
Been downhill skiing..............Oh, so you’re supposed to aim the skis DOWN the hill?
Rode on a motorcycle........ Vice President, Hell’s Angels Motorcycle Club, Vespa Division
Rode a horse...................... Only known case of the horse getting saddle sore
Stayed in a hospital........... Couldn’t find parking, so became a Christian Scientist
Donated blood.................... Does a bloody stool count?
Driven a stick shift............. Yes, but felt that using the clutch was for pussies
Rode in the back of a police car… Yes, as an Air Force Military Policeman, with no on in the front seat
